Do you watch Game of Thrones?
i’m still learning how to fix it by myself.
When you give me this silence,
I do not feel loved. I need you
to be gentle with me. I understand
that it is not always easy with
me - there are sleepless nights
and too many worries. But I love
you. I love you more than I’ve ever
loved anything and I am sending
that to you still, even while you
are so far away. Please, let that
be the thing that matters.
It is so hard for me to give you
what you need when it means
that I have to sit and worry,
sit and think, sit and miss you.
I am still only learning and I
need your love to help me and
I cannot get that from you when
you are so quiet. So far gone.
I’m sorry we do not work the
same way, I’m sorry sometimes
it seems I do not work at all.
Please, be gentle with me. Please,
let me find you and bring you back.
Please, let this work out.
Ten Rules for Writers by Zadie Smith
1. When still a child, make sure you read a lot of books. Spend more time doing this than anything else.
2. When an adult, try to read your own work as a stranger would read it, or even better, as an enemy would.
3. Don’t romanticise your “vocation”. You can either write good sentences or you can’t. There is no “writer’s lifestyle”. All that matters is what you leave on the page.
4. Avoid your weaknesses. But do this without telling yourself that the things you can’t do aren’t worth doing. Don’t mask self-doubt with contempt.
5. Leave a decent space of time between writing something and editing it.
6. Avoid cliques, gangs, groups. The presence of a crowd won’t make your writing any better than it is.
7. Work on a computer that is disconnected from the internet.
8. Protect the time and space in which you write. Keep everybody away from it, even the people who are most important to you.
9. Don’t confuse honours with achievement.
10. Tell the truth through whichever veil comes to hand – but tell it. Resign yourself to the lifelong sadness that comes from never being satisfied.
via The Guardian
I hate hate hate how anxious and I get and I just woke up and already have a knot in stomach. Everything little thing that happens becomes a huge warning sign for something else and I know it’s all based in the past but the anxiety keeps me thinking what if it’s not? What if it’s just gonna go badly again like things have in the past? It’s so so hard to make sure other people have what they need to be okay when it directly conflicts with what you need to be okay and I’m trying really hard to make myself with okay without relying on other people but Jesus is that a hard skill to learn.
i am really proud of myself, though, for being mostly okay for most of today and for just generally getting better. sometimes it’s really tiny, little steps to recovery and though it may be impossible to see for other people, i can tell that i’m doing a lot better than i have been in the past, and every day i’m learning to be better about it. anxiety is just something you have to really, really work at and put in effort to and some days it just consumes everything and if you’re not totally focused on it, it gets the best of you. i am learning how to trust myself and that’s the best thing that could ever happen to me.
good advice from mom today: then is not now, and the problems i create in my head are totally based in the past. you’re going to spend most of your life in the gray area - get comfortable in it. you can’t control the outside stuff, but you need to be okay for yourself. things can’t always be 100% happy in relationships, but that doesn’t mean that anyone loves you any less or that it’s all going to end - it just needs it’s own time in the gray area, like you, and like anything else. trust that he will come back to you when he’s ready, some time and space does not mean immanent doom. you’ve worked through anxiety before, you can do it again. enjoy yourself while you can, don’t sweat the little stuff, you’re smart, you know all of this, i love you.
did some good cleaning, stopped to do some good writing, now back to more cleaning and a shower before dinner with my best friends. hopefully tonight works out how i’m hoping it will, but as long as it works out okay, i’ll be happy. proud of myself for actually handling myself really well today. constantly having to remind myself that anxiety and anything else in life is a process, and that recovery is a verb. breathing through this and letting things happen as they might and getting comfortable in the gray area and ready to have a (hopefully) kickass, really good night.
"Sometimes I remind myself that I almost skipped the party, that I almost went to a different college, that the whim of a minute could have changed everything and everyone. Our lives, so settled, so specific, are built on happenstance."
Every Last One (Anna Quindlen)