- step one: being upset over the fact that things ended. check.
- step two: cry alone to bob dylan. check.
- step three: get really fucking angry. check.
- step four: realize i deserve better. check.
- step five: move on. check.
- step six: come to terms with the fact that i will probably always want you. check.
- step seven: realize that that does not mean i have to pine for you and jump at the chance to be with you. in progress.
If you're feeling down, click this.
of you.
I’m Emma.
face. about. personal. writing. good things. notes to myself. writing blog. youtube.
"I was born into Bolivar's labyrinth, and so I must believe in the hope of Rabelais' Great Perhaps." • Message.
My heart isn't breaking down.
of you.
I’m Emma.
face. about. personal. writing. good things. notes to myself. writing blog. youtube.
"I was born into Bolivar's labyrinth, and so I must believe in the hope of Rabelais' Great Perhaps." • Message.
My heart isn't breaking down.
i actually can’t stand when anyone brings up middle school or anything having to do with it. looking at pictures of myself from then makes me physically sick and anytime anyone mentions ANYTHING about it, i get so upset in the pit of my stomach and i’m just reminded of how fucking horrible it was. i’ll talk about the problems i had there with my friends, sure. if it comes up, it comes up. but 6th-8th grade, and even part of freshman year, were just so fucking horrible for me and any reminder of that makes me sick to my stomach. i hated myself then, i really did. you don’t need to fucking remind me of how painfully awkward i was back then.
i should really stop trying to plan everything out and creating this huge scenes based on endless what ifs. all i do is get myself worked up and afraid. the truth is that i can’t know how something will play out until it does, and my over-thinking everything only prevents that from happening. granted, i’m not just going to sit back and hope that the universe has it all under control, or that other people will make the moves and take the risks. i’m going to go for what i want, but i’m not going to be afraid. the past is in the past. those people that hurt me and got me scared are not the same as the new people in my life, and their outcomes do not have to be the same. i will not let my fear ruin good things. i will not let my mind be consumed by “well what if this happens because this could happen and then this will happen and then this could happen” etc etc etc. it isn’t healthy and i’m really going to try to stop it.
just finished walking for 15 minutes. i’m supposed to do 20 minutes a day but have been being a lazy fuck. not anymore. things are awful when the weather’s awful, and everything in general gets to me more than it should. i am going to actually fight this. i will not stay down. i am not my anxiety, i am not this disease. i. will. not. let. my. depression. define. who. i. am.
One day, I will not be so small. And on that day, I will probably wish to be. So maybe I should stop waiting for “one day,” and appreciate the smallness of myself and the largeness of the world. Because it won’t always be this way. And I’m coming to terms with that.
Seventy-eight.
I have loved in the most wonderful way:
I was not guided by your hand
But reminded of my company.
Words did not always come easily
But they had a bit more meaning to them.
I never cried to you, never about you,
But for you.But I also have loved in the most terrible way:
You only fought to tear down the wall,
Never stopping to wonder why it was built.
You always listened to my words
But I rarely heard questions.
The stars of our hearts collided
And we stood and watched them burn.
hi, sometimes i write things. sometimes, they’re good. sometimes, not so much. you can find both on this here blog. if you wish.
i want to get back to the point where i’m just stoked on life. i don’t know where i lost that, but i’m going to try and get it back.
there are sometimes these moments where i can just feel myself growing up. they don’t happen often and are by no means common, but every so often, i can just feel the change in my core. that’s what usually makes me realize it, change. sometimes it feels amazing and wonderful and makes me so happy to be moving forward with my life, and other times, it makes me feel miserable and depressed and like i just want to curl up in a ball and go back to a time before the change occurred - the latter being what i’m feeling like right now. my cousin is on her way over, which is always a fun time, except this time it’s a goodbye - she’s moving to north carolina with her husband. i’m miserable, because my cousin is the closest thing i have to a sibling, and her and my aunt are the only family i have. she’s never been more than two hours away from me, and is just a huge part of my life. and now she’s moving roughly 10 hours away. that, among other things, is teaching me a lot and it’s a whole lot of life coming at me and overwhelming me. i guess i’ve been feeling changes and learning a lot of life lessons lately, but that news was just the push i needed to feel like this. i’ve learned lately that i’ll never be truly happy with my life if i can’t travel around the world freely. that no matter how much you may be convinced that you’re made for someone, it doesn’t always work out. that you have to make your own sacrifices for the ones you love. that you have to sacrifice the feelings of others for yourself. that so many things can change in the matter of a week or two. that you can’t truly run from anything.
life is turning into chaos again. i’m sure it’ll smooth itself over soon, but right now i just feel anxious and overwhelmed with everything. it’s probably the getting back into my routine after being free of it for two weeks, but it feels like a little bit more. i just want this to work out. sometimes, i feel like it could, i really do. and then other times i feel like i’m reading entirely too much into it and like i’m just a pathetic girl without a chance. but my god, i hope i’m wrong. i really really really hope i’m wrong.
i feel like i’m on the brink of something good. i couldn’t tell you what exactly, and maybe it’s just my high hopes and optimism and the fact that life has only been getting better recently, but i really feel like something awesome is about to come. sure, there’s one or two things that i really hope it will be, but this feeling is more than the hope or wishing. i don’t know, i can’t explain it. i just hope my gut is right.
i depend on music and writing to keep me sane. but i’m afraid of the day when, like anything else i’ve depended on to keep me going, it doesn’t any more. so far it’s worked pretty well. 2 years, three months free of self-harm’s gotta stand for something, right?
GUYS GUYS GUYS.
I actually played guitar/sang in front of people today and ghdfkjdf omg it was actually so fun and people told me I did well and i mean it was only like 20 people but still i played TWO songs and wasn’t even that nervous and did fairly well and AH now all i wanna do is play music in front of people all the time :3
Seventy-two.
There I stood,
A year later,
In a different place than I was then entirely,
(Not that you stuck around to watch that.),
But everything is the same.I stood crying in the kitchen to my mother,
Over words that did not mean a thing,
In that stupid shirt
(I bet you don’t even remember the color.)
From that stupid night
When you told me I was beautiful
(And other things I swore I’d never tell.).Her arms held me up because
I was just too weak to stand,
My legs too small to carry the weight of my chest.
Crying over lost love
(Because, yes, I damn well loved you),
It might as well have been February 25th
(Not that you would remember what that date was).“You forget,” they say. “You lose track of the dates,”
(14th, 23rd, 18th)
“You lose track of the days,”
(386)
“You forget it all because it feels so different.”
Everything is the same.
Hi, I write sometimes.
The immediate response to “I want to do non-profit work” is always something along the lines of “you’ll be eating lots of ramen” or “you better work on your waitressing skills” or just “wow” in a disapproving tone with lots of condescending raised eyebrows. If I have enough to live, however simple that living may be, I’m fine. I want to change people’s lives, and I want to fight for human rights because they are the most simple of rights, yet the ones that are, 9 times out of 10, ignored. I don’t know what exactly I want to do or where I want to work or with who, but I know that I cannot live life knowing that I had the option to help people and didn’t take it.
Just once, I would like someone’s first response to what I want to do with my life not be concerning how little money I’ll end up making. I want someone, anyone, just once, to have a positive response. I don’t need to be admired or impress people or whatever, but I hate that people can never truly believe that I’m 100% okay with living a life that might be less than what they’re accustomed to. I just really want people to see that I don’t care about the paycheck, I care about making a difference.
The way I see it is this: I’ll be broke and “struggling” for a few years, but I can get out of it whenever I want to, if I really need to. But the people that I’m trying to help, they don’t have an “out.” This is their life. So why is it so hard for people to understand that I’m okay with giving up a relatively small part of my life in order to try and give people their lives back?
