I’m not that worried or scared or even nervous about school and all that, just excited, but I think I’m most worried that 2,000 miles won’t be what I’ve been dreaming it would be since freshman year. And it probably won’t be and that’s okay because that’s life but I just need it to be a good thing.

honestly the worst thing anyone could ever say to me is that i’m selfish because i literally spend so much time trying to care about others and make them feel okay and the minute i try and do some things to make myself happy my mom calls me selfish and tells me i don’t give a shit about her or what we have to do around the house like i’m sorry i’m moving across the country in two weeks and am just trying to see my friends and i don’t know have a nice summer selfish is literally one of the only and very few insults that gets to me shit

i swear to gOD IF MY DAD TRIES TO HAVE THE SEX TALK WITH ME TOMORROW BECAUSE HE THINKS HE KNOWS THINGS I WILL THROW UP EVERYWHERE AND RUN AWAY okay no but really this is what happens when my mom talks to him about my life instead of me I SWEAR TO GOD dad it’s a little late for that i’m about to go to college THIS SHOULD’VE HAPPENED FOUR YEARS AGO sorry¬†

I literally hate this. I cannot stand it or you talking about it. I understand that he acted wrongly but you said yourself that as long as he is doing right by me and being a good father, that’s what matters. I understand why you’re upset and how hard this must be and you have a right to be pissed at him, but my being 18 now and growing up doesn’t mean it’s okay for you to bitch about him to me and then be mad when I don’t respond. He is the best father I could ask for and he is still MY father and don’t fucking tell me you don’t want me in the middle of it when you literally told me that I need to deal with all financial matters with him. Fucking great. I’ll be gone to college in just a couple of weeks and when I do move, you’re on your fucking own. I’ll be 3000+ miles away trying to have my own damn life and you shouldn’t be leaning on your 18-year-old daughter like this anyway. I love my father and I need him in my life and he is so good to me and that’s all I’m concerned about. He didn’t act right and I’m sorry but it happens. You have shit to work on too and Lord knows this was a mess you created. Could he help? Absolutely. But he didn’t and that’s shitty and I’m sorry but that doesn’t make him a “lunatic” or a “complete ass.” It makes me sick to my stomach when you talk about him because I still love him and need him and you will not ruin that for me.

I don’t really know how to do this anymore.

honestly, the worst part is that because you apologized and because you think you were down enough on yourself, you think it should all be okay and are frustrated with me that it’s not. i literally sat there for an hour last night, trying to make you understand how not okay it is and it was always about why you did it and why you shouldn’t have and how sorry you were and what you wish you could’ve done but never once about how it made me feel. the worst part is that you will probably do this again to another girl and i fear she will not be strong enough to realize it and she will not be strong enough to say no to the handsome boy she thinks she loves and you will never learn because you will never see it how it should be seen, as a real fucking problem that you caused in another human being that will not go away easily. you will never learn because you will always see it as how it affected you, how it changed you, never how it will stay with her likely for the rest of her life. and i can’t make you see that and i know that and it makes me sick.

Honestly like I can’t wait to have a roommate and (hopefully) friends that (hopefully) live literally in walking distance because while I enjoy my alone time, most of my crappy moods stem from being lonely and I just wanna eat snacks and watch movies with people forever.

I don’t want to not be anyone’s first choice if they’re mine, but I also don’t want to lose something if I have it. Especially because anxiety is a bitch and determining insecurities vs viable worries is really fucking difficult.

lol fuck you. You miss me? Maybe you should’ve done something about that before you fucking ruined my life. GOD. Don’t do this shit to me again. You wanna be in my life? Great, do it and STAY THERE. You don’t get to just come and go as you please, especially not when it’s you.

i just really want things to be nice and good and not have me freaking out all the fucking time about them and i don’t know how to get that. blah. self-improvement and such is a bitch.

I hope my mom realizes that all she’s doing is making me never want to be home. Like she literally makes me SCARED to go home because I know she’s going to be pissed off at me. All she’s doing is making so much more excited to leave for school and God I just really never want to go home.

i really don’t like people knowing when i’m super upset because there’s just so much sad already in the world and like i just want everyone to be happy so i try really hard to be happy for them?? and like i’m not even super sad or anything all the time or doing the middle school ~faking a smile erryday~ thing i’m not even complaining about it it’s fine it’s just i hate when people i care about are sad i don’t want anymore sads :(

I should probably sleep because it’s 3am and I have to get up and register for a class and also call my dentist and also just be a human but I hate falling asleep without talking to someone and everyone I like talking to isn’t around to talk to and boooooooo I don’t like this evening.

i wish i could find it in me to hate you or even just dislike you even an eighth as much as i miss you because god i’d be fucking set. i hate this i hate this i hate this you suck so much but i just want you back in my life. so. fucking. DUMB.

i really just don’t even know what to DO i’m so paranoid and insecure and it sucks and it’s annoying to everyone around me and i hate it and i’m trying so hard not to be but there has just been too much going on and i wanna talk about how scared i am but that’s too many feelings and god i hate this