Secret #58: I’m not alone, but I can’t shake this god awful feeling of being lonely. I just want someone I’m crazy about to be mutually crazy about me. I miss the rush involved with that, in holding hands, in kissing, in everything else involved in a relationship. I want something real and lasting, because I’m really tired of falling for people that, in the long run, just don’t give a shit.
Secret #57: Every time I see you online, the urge to just message you and tell you how much you hurt me and how broken I was and how much I felt for you and how badly you screwed me over gets stronger and stronger. There are times where I really think I’m going to do it. But I don’t know what to say, or how to say it, and I don’t think you’d say anything. But mostly, it’s been so long now that I don’t want you to know that I still care. I don’t want you to know how much of a hold you still have on me. Eight months gone and I still feel absolutely awful sometimes because I miss the way you made my heart feel.
Secret #56: Telling people that I’m scared they’re going to leave is one of the most terrifying things to me, and I don’t really know why. I can tell people I don’t want to lose them, that’s fine. But I guess by telling them I have a fear of them leaving, it’s kind of letting them in on how much they mean to me.
Secret #55: I’m really scared that my anxiety is going to keep me from a lot of things. I get over pretty quickly, but the build up of it is SO bad sometimes, especially in new/unfamiliar situations, and ESPECIALLY new/unfamiliar social ones. I got so scared about silly things about my new school, like asking for help with my locker and asking where a class is and introducing myself, even though I know, deep down, that people will help if I ask for it. But I work up crazy things in my head about how nobody will help or about how they’ll think I’m stupid or immature or whathaveyou. My biggest fear right now is that my anxiety will keep me from going to school in Cali in two years. I need that so bad. I know that’s what I want, but I’m really scared that I’m going to freak out and not want to go, even if I know I’ll regret it if I don’t.
Secret #54: I really want to find someone that thinks I’m beautiful in sweats and my comfy clothes. I know that sounds really cliche, and it shouldn’t be that hard to find, but I don’t know. I don’t want someone who thinks I still look good in them, or I look “fine” or I “don’t look bad.” I just want to find someone who can see me in comfy clothes and still think, “wow, I’m lucky.” I guess I just want someone I’m comfortable wearing them in.
Secret #53: I miss the way we acted in the car the most, I think. I mean, I miss all the “cute” things we did, but I think the car was always my favorite. How we’d just talk about anything, you holding my hand as you drove, sneaking a glance at me whenever you could. How I’d randomly rest my head on your shoulder for no reason, and you’d always, without fail, tell me how cute I was. From that first night and every time we were in the car after that. How at red lights we’d kiss, even if just for a few seconds, because we couldn’t wait too much longer to kiss again. It was just such a mutual, I don’t know, can’t-get-enough-of-each-other feeling. And I think that’s why this is all so hard for me, why it hurts so badly, because it really felt like you meant it. I really believe that you did mean it. So why did it have to end?
Secret #52: It’s really lame, but I think one of the best part about being in a relationship or being “with” someone is taking really silly/cute pictures. Not just the adorable kissing ones, but the equally as adorable ones where you’re both making silly faces. I dunno. It’s just really cute to me.
Secret #51: Sometimes when I’m jamming out to cute songs, whether I’m playing them on guitar or just listening to them on my iPod or something, I sing them really intensely and pretend I have someone I’m singing about.
I’m so lame omg.
Secret #50: I have so much fucking love in my heart to give someone, when do I get to share that? Honestly, that’s why I’m so upset about being single half the time. Sure, I’m lonely and sure I want someone to help me with that. But really, my heart is bursting at the seams with love and care and readiness to give that to someone. I’ve still never been able to show someone everything I have to offer, because they always leave before I get the chance. I’m full of cute names and words and mix CDs and little notes and random texts and cute dates and nights in and just so much. I know I’m a little broken and rough around the edges, I’ve got some stuff to work out and I won’t always be able to believe that you really only want me and won’t leave. But I promise you I’m working through that everyday. I’m just SO ready to give all of this to someone. It’s been building up day after week after month after year and I’m ready to explode with all of this love in my heart. At this point, it’s past me being lonely and wanting that happiness, too. I hate being single purely because I know I could make someone so fucking happy
Secret #49: I’ve made fun of Tumblr Prom in the past and probably still will because it is a really silly notion but I kind of think it’d be really sweet if someone asked me. Is it weird that I’d prefer for it be a guy? There goes my whole I’m-convinced-I’ll-only-ever-find-girls-that-want-me feeling. Whatever. SUE ME.
Secret #48: I’m fairly open with my problems and past and everything, and I’m really not ashamed of it. I don’t really have a problem trusting that people won’t tell anyone else what I tell them, I have a problem trusting that they won’t leave or think of me differently. I don’t mind people hearing I’m a wreck from things I say or think, but I mind when they see it because I’m breaking down. I always want someone there when I cry, to hold and comfort me, but I really just get so scared. I’m not guarded in the sense that I don’t show my emotions and hide what I’m feeling. I’m guarded in the sense that I just can’t ever let anyone just hold me when I’m not okay. I’m always entirely too terrified to let them see that part of me. And I hate that. I hate it so much.
Secret #47: As afraid as I am to be in a relationship because of trust issues or my being afraid that I’m going to change my mind or whatever, I know now that when I find someone that I really care about, I know I’m supposed to be with them. And maybe that’s all that you were supposed to teach me, because I didn’t fully realize that until you came into my life. Because as terrified as I am that I’d screw it up, at the end of the day, I just want to know that someone wants me too and doesn’t mind that I’m so screwed up.
Secret #46: I love you. Completely and truly. More than you, or anyone else, for that matter, could understand. But if anyone ever asked me if it was true, if anyone ever said something that suggested it, I would deny it to the ends of the world. Because I know I shouldn’t be, I know that it’s pointless, and I know what they would say. But I really love you. I do.
